The Only Oxygen That I need
by SkinnyLittleSlut
Summary: He couldn't breathe without Sirius, because Sirius was the only oxygen he needed, and without it, he was slowly suffocating. There was no reason to live with the curse of lycanthropy without Sirius Black guiding him through the darkness. 'If Sirius doesn't reply in a week, then I'm going to kill myself. And nobody can stop me.' M for language, eating disorders and self-harm.
1. Main Story

**A/N: Two days ago, my best friend ran away from home. I hope you enjoy this, because this is literally my entire soul poured into a story.**

**Disclaimer**

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_If he doesn't reply in a week I'm going to kill myself._

_If he's..dead..then I'm going to kill myself._

_I'll keep taking pills and cutting until I die._

_I'm not doing this without him._

Remus clenched his numb fingers, dimping out the last of his cigarette and letting his phone fall to the floor.

He was sat on the windowsill, his head resting against the cold glass, the lack of warmth reminding him of Sirius' cold shoulder next to him. His fingertips were blue, and he huddled around the flame as he lit another cigarette, sparking the flint of his lighter after several clumsy tries.

Two days ago, Sirius had messaged him, telling him he couldn't handle his mother anymore, and he was leaving, before he either killed himself, her, or both.

He'd told Remus he planned to catch the train to Manchester, and promised he'd call once he reached the city, that night.

That was Saturday night.

It was now twenty to nine on a Monday night, and Remus had never felt more dead inside.

He'd opted to stay at school through the winter break, politely declining James' pleas to join him and Peter at his house.

Sirius had gone home that break too. Remus still remembered Sirius' last moments with him, a simple 'until next time, yea?' and a cheeky wink.

Sirius had ran away a week later.

Remus hadn't eaten in two days, since Sirius had left.

He'd been eating a packet of chips when the message arrived, which he had rapidly dropped in favour of his phone.

They were still on the floor, half-eaten.

No, wait, that was a lie.

He'd eaten half a chocolate chip cookie that lunchtime. Then he'd remembered, dropped the packet, ran into the bathroom and promptly vomited his guts out. For once, it wasn't self induced.

Worry was like the hydrochloric acid contained inside his stomach, washing through his system and ejecting any source of nutrition.

He hadn't slept either. Insomnia hit like a bitch, and he spent the lonely nights slumped against the windowsill, smoking cigarette after cigarette and flicking his phone on and off again, praying to a God he'd lost faith in that there was a reply waiting for him from Sirius.

Remus knew Sirius had no money on him, so he'd be on the streets somewhere in Manchester in the middle of December. He was also underweight as all fucking hell, six foot two and weighing a tiny one hundred twenty pounds. His anorexia had been getting better, but being denied food at home was a terrible trigger for him, and the self-loathing being there filled him with always resulted in a relapse.

Sirius also had a problem with drugs and drink.

He hadn't had a drink in months, but he'd need something for warmth.

He smoked weed on an almost daily basis, mixing it with methamphetamine and heroin on occasion, and Sirius would need something to distract him from the abysmal surroundings he had landed himself in.

So the tiny amount of money he had would be spent on that, instead of being used to getting the fuck back home.

And home was Hogwarts, with him and James and Peter, not with the fucking Medusa whore who gave birth to him.

Remus missed him so much it was physically painful.

It's always the little things that get you while you're missing someone, and right now, Remus missed everything.

He missed Sirius' pathetic attempts at studying; reading for a few seconds, reading the questions, groaning in confusion and asking Remus for the answers because 'the questions were completely irrelevant to the text'.

He missed Sirius' light humour, the way he'd shamelessly flirt with everything that breathed, and not let a scream or a drink to the face wipe the cheeky smirk from his face.

He missed watching dumb movies with Sirius, and watching his face light up as he leant forward, muttering the script under his breath because he'd seen the films countless times but never tired of them.

He missed the light night talks with Sirius, whilst everyone was asleep, leant against his skinny frame and smoking together, whilst they talked about how they were going to move in together and find a better life.

He missed how light Sirius always seemed to be. Sirius was the only one who knew about Remus cutting himself, so whenever he spotted the new cuts, he'd always whack Remus around the head and tell him to last double the time before he did it again.

He even missed Sirius' complete lack of boundaries, but then again, he'd gotten used to walking into the dorm and seeing Sirius sprawled out across his bed, flicking through Remus' quite private song journal and still in his pyjamas, because sometimes he just couldn't be bothered to attend class.

Without Sirius here, Remus had nothing left.

Sure, he had Peter and James. But him and James didn't actually talk that much when Sirius wasn't around; and if they did, it was usually James doing impressions or talking about Sirius. It wasn't a properly grounding friendship. It was replaceable.

But it was different with Sirius.

Sirius was the one who sat outside the bathroom for an hour, because he knew Remus was crying and cutting inside and he blatantly refused to leave him in there, at three in the morning on his own.

Sirius was the one who still managed muster a real smile and keep it there even though his parents were abusive alcoholics. Even though he was severely underweight.

Sirius was the one who stayed with him when he took pills to try and kill himself, and ended up getting high. He'd been there through the hangovers, though Sirius was the one who usually spiked his drinks in the first place, and the countless comedowns.

Sirius was the one who always had a spare packet of cigarettes, because he knew 'Rem gets grouchy without his fix.'

He was the only one who hadn't screamed at him for smoking; rather, he taught Remus how to smoke because, quote, 'if he was gonna get cancer anyway, he may as well enjoy the damn cigarettes while he's at it.' And he'd been there to shriek with laughter when Remus used to get nicotine rushes, amusedly watching his best friend stagger around the room like he was on good cocaine.

Sirius had never given up on the friendship, even though Remus had deemed it beyond repair countless times. It was Sirius who refused to define what they were, because the term 'best friends' obviously put too much pressure on Remus.

Sirius was the glue that held the broken pieces of Remus together.

But now he was gone, possibly lay dead in a Manchester gutter, and Remus could feel himself falling apart.

He couldn't eat without Sirius. He couldn't sleep knowing Sirius wasn't there. He couldn't breathe without Sirius, because Sirius was the only oxygen he needed, and without it, he was slowly suffocating.

There was no reason to live with the curse of lycanthropy without Sirius Black guiding him through the darkness.

_If Sirius doesn't reply in a week, then I'm going to kill myself._

_And nobody can stop me. _


	2. Author's Note and One-shot List

**The next chapters aren't the aftermath of the story. There's some points in the one-shot that I wanted to expand on**, **and the rest of these chapters will be short little one-shots explaining the circumstances. **

**There will be another part to this story, but what it contains will depend on what happens to my best friend in real life. I really hope it ends happily.**

**But it will be posted as a different story.**

**Thanks for reading.**

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**. Remus smoking for the first time **

**. The night Remus locked himself in the bathroom**

**. One of the nights Sirius and Remus spent planning their future**

**. Sirius finding out Remus cuts**

**. Remus telling Sirius that he cuts (Sirius knew but didn't say anything)**

**. Sirius' anorexia**

**. Remus' bulimia**

**. Sirius' recovery from self-harm**

**. One of Sirius' relapses**

**. One of the night Sirius spiked Remus' drinks**

**. The last time Remus and Sirius saw each other **


	3. Remus' First Cigarette

Remus had always admired Sirius Black.

The ease and grace in his movements, the shamelessness in which he flirted, the effortless way he striked up conversation with whomever he pleased.

But most of all, Remus admired the way Sirius would blow perfect little smoke plumes through his black fringe and up into the sky.

Remus had never told anyone of this, but he had the feeling that Sirius just _knew_. He had a way of knowing these things.

Remus' suspicions were confirmed that night.

Sirius, James, Peter and Remus were all sat outside, James swigging Butterbeer from the kitchens and Sirius chain-smoking.

He was sat in between James and Remus, and causally leaning against the lycanthrope's chest, popped a cigarette effortlessly from the packet and offered it to Remus with an offhand 'You want, Rem?'

James snorted in derision, whilst Peter raised an eyebrow.

Remus was the most responsible out of the four of them; there was no way in their minds that the golden boy would ever be stupid enough to smoke a cigarette.

Sirius knew him a little better though.

Sirius knew that Remus had a dark streak buried inside of him, that made him adopt bad habits such as cigarettes, so his half-smirking expression was not deterred by James' oblivious snorts.

Remus shot Sirius a grin, delicately extracting the protruding stick and placing it between his cracked lips, accepting the flame that Sirius had just easily sparked.

James spat Butterbeer for about half a mile, he was so surprised, whilst Peter's jaw fell open.

"What- the fuck- Moon?" James spluttered, wiping the liquid from his chin.

Remus didn't reply. He could sense Sirius' dark eyes on him, studying him carefully, so kept all his energy on refusing to let his lungs cough out the poisonous smoke they had just inhaled.

Everything was about control with Remus, and the careful exhale a few seconds later was no exception.

Sirius leant back, slowly clapping his hands in a sarcastic display of congratulations. Remus would have laughed, but he knew any vibration through his throat would send him into a coughing spasm, so instead he took another puff.

"Sirius!"

"What?"

"What?! You know bloody well what!"

"Actually I don't. Feel free to enlighten me, however."

"You just gave Moony a cig!"

"Your point?"

"You made Moony smoke!"

Sirius raised an elegant eyebrow.

"I did no such thing. He took the cigarette."

James slapped Sirius around the back of the head, ignoring the protesting grumbles as a result of this.


	4. The Night Remus Locked Himself In The

**Warning: Self-Harm scene, but fluffy and humorous at the end.**

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"Rem?"

Sirius' sleepy voice quickly turned into alert concern when he received no reply from the fair-haired boy.

He knocked softly on the door, aware of the other two people asleep in the dormitory, and called Remus' name softly again.

Upon hearing a choked sob, he rattled the door handle, to no avail; the door was locked.

"Open the door, Rem, I gotta piss."

Silence.

"Rem! I really gotta piss, open up!"

"Go away Sirius!" Remus' muffled voice called from the other side of the door.

Sirius sighed, shuffling away from the door.

A few minutes later, and there was a metallic clatter from the bathroom, coupled with a soft gasp of pain.

Sirius returned to his place at the door, tapping on it softly.

"Remus Lupin, open the fucking door."

Still no answer.

"…Please?"

"It's three am Sirius, go the fuck back to bed!" Remus sobbed after a second, his voice catching.

"Fuck that, I'm not leaving 'till you get your arse outta that bathroom."

Sirius slid down the door, pressing his ear to it and listening to Remus sob, in exactly the same position as him on the other side, judging by the sound.

"Don't cry Rem." Sirius murmured, pressing his bruised hand against the wood.

Sirius' heightened dog senses felt a movement of heat over the surface over his palm, just small enough to be Remus' hand.

Sirius didn't move for an hour straight, ignoring the cramping of his legs, the ache of his back muscles and the desperate need for a smoke. And his patience paid off; he heard the door click, and a miserable Remus stepped out a second later.

Sirius stood up, his joints clicking, and pulled Remus' sleeve up easily.

A graphic display of deep wounds formed the distinct outline of a wolf across Remus' forearm.

Sirius pulled the boy into the a hug, grabbing him tightly and burying his head into Remus' hair.

Nothing needed to be said, the hug was all Remus needed.

"Hey, d-didn't you have to piss?"

"Eh. The plant needed watering anyway."

Remus pulled away.

"Y-you pissed on the plant."

"You'd rather I pissed on the bed?"

Remus shook his head, sighing, and watched Sirius' lips curve up into his trademark smirk.

The boy really did have no shame.


End file.
